February 6, 2024
Mindsets of a ‘Perfectionist’
These blogs are difficult for me; I feel uncomfortable reading my own writing in front of others. I want my writing to be good. I want others to relate. I don’t want to be negatively judged. As I first sit down to write, I stare at the blank screen and feel uninspired and stressed about the fact that I need to read this out loud in the morning. I am someone who has been called a perfectionist, and though it irks me in the moment, I concede that maybe it’s true… sometimes.
The weekend was a whirlwind of fun adventures in Hampi, but you’ve already heard about that in yesterday’s blog. Today we got back down to business. My group has been having trouble coming up with our project for GCIL, and we feel that we are falling behind. After a helpful mentor meeting in the morning, we have a long brainstorming session in the afternoon in an attempt to get on top of things. We cover a wall with sticky notes, starting with a list of problems that we’ve identified. As we start, I feel utterly useless. Why can’t I think of anything? What am I missing? Once again, I’m feeling uninspired, and the perfectionist in me is immensely disappointed.
During a quiet moment in our brainstorm, my mind wanders back to the sunrise hike a couple of us did yesterday (Sunday) morning. The short ascent had been well worth the spectacular view (Image 1). The sky turned a magnificent gradient of orange, yellow, and blue. A lake in the distance reflected the light, and the haze on the horizon turned the sun a brilliant crimson red. I felt so calm, and I remember thinking to myself that all this perfectionist stress was silly, and that my group will do just fine. The scene was enchanting, and I wish that it had lasted hours instead of only a few fleeting minutes.
Another sticky note gets slapped onto the wall, and I return to the task at hand. We eventually choose a problem and make progress on the 16 questions that comprise the final rubric for the project. Even though we’ve been told that it’s ok, even good to fail, and that failure can be an important step to get through in order to learn, I still grapple with the concept. Can’t we just skip that step? I oscillate between the perfectionist mindset and the easygoing one. I’m trying to expand the time that I spend somewhere in between the two, but it’s not easy, and honestly quite exhausting. It’s easier to let my mind stay at one extreme or the other.
I finish off the day with a trip to the gym. The workout routine takes me to yet another kind of mindset where I can simply focus on one rep at a time. It gives my mind a needed break, and my body some needed movement. But then I have to come back and write this thing. I fall back into the perfectionist mood, but as it gets closer to midnight, I slowly slide towards the carefree mood and just want to submit my blog post as is.
By Monika
Image 1: View from the sunrise hike