March 5, 2024

Grief and Gratefulness

It may sound cheesy, but I’m extremely grateful that I had the opportunity to spend an entire academic quarter in India. I’m grateful for all the beautiful things I’ve witnessed. I’ve seen beautiful people dressed in vibrant Indian clothing. I’ve seen houses painted in vibrant colors that remind me of the inside of my parents’ home. I’ve smiled along with passionate people who are excitedly sharing details of their work. And then of course there was nature, the giant banyan trees growing through sidewalks, countless cute street dogs everywhere, cheeky monkeys stealing bananas in Hampi, and green parrots chirping their hearts out in Lalbagh Botanical Garden.

All of these lovely things, and yet, there has been a constant thought in the back of my head for most of the trip that has added a tinge of sorrow to almost all of my memories here. During our second weekend of GCIL, we went on a trip to Srirangapatna and Mysore. On the first morning in Srirangapatna, I woke up to a WhatsApp notification from my mom. I was excited at first because we hadn’t had much chance to talk since arriving in India, but then I read the message, “I’m sorry, I have one bad news for you today. Grandpa passed away.” I’ve had extended family members and beloved pets pass away, but this the first close family member of mine that has died. I spent the next few days confused and trying to figure out the intense emotion that is grief.

After the initial few days, I became less confused about how I was feeling, and unconsciously decided that since my family wasn’t here, I would wait to process my emotions about my grandpa’s death until I went back home. Not the best coping mechanism, I know, but having this happen while I was here made me focus more on things that I am grateful for. I’m grateful for the woman on the bus from our first day here. I was squeezed between strangers, trying to find something to hold onto, bumping into her a couple times, and she looked up, smiled and asked, “First time on the bus?” A little girl on a scooter with her dad overheard us trying to catch a rickshaw back to UTC during the first couple weeks, and she helped us explain to the driver where we needed to go. My peers in GCIL remembered my birthday and surprised me with cake. They also joined me in learning how to surf, and many have uplifted my spirits with friendly banter, or small compliments that really make my day.

So while I realized I haven’t done the best job of dealing with grief, the loss has made me want to seize the moment. And what I guess I’m trying to say is that I wish I hadn’t waited for a significant loss in order to embrace that attitude. Going forward, I want to see, learn, do and appreciate all that I can, both here in India, and when I go back home.

By Monika