March 1, 2024

Mama Always Said

It’s the little treats these days, the blueberry slurpee, the supple artificial taste of a Redbull as it hits your lips and send shivers down your spine, the subtle soft tones of the Cranberry’s Linger as you do a little dance in the conference room as you struggle to figure out what to write for your blog. These little celebrations mix into days full of questions and uncertainty.

Do you ever write a word so many times that it doesn’t even seem real anymore?
That’s how our solution is beginning to feel. As if the constant discussion and debate is beginning to cloud my memory of why we chose to do this in the first place. We made a commitment weeks ago, a plan which we questioned several times. But now it has come time to pay up and see it through, and I just can’t escape the feeling of inadequacy. This feeling of uncertainty and dissatisfaction with my own progress so far.

In times like this, I’m reminded of one of my mom’s favorite sayings, “Life sucks and then you die.” If I spend my whole life feeling like I can’t do enough, live enough, be the person I think I should be, or do as well as my fellow classmate, soon enough I’ll end up in the ground just like the generations before me.

I’m someone who choses negativity because often it’s easier to find than positivity, and India has definitely enabled this side of me. I think back to my first days here, when I found low hanging fruit to make fun of. The funny t-shirts or the unconventional name of a shop, and I moved from one silly thing to the next, but then I spent time here and began to feel the charm of each individual place and the fragile nameless thing that ties everything here together..

Instead of choosing to live my life like sour grapes maybe I should live it for what it is and take solace in the fact that it’s a blessing to be here and have the opportunity to experience the life I’ve lived so far. Because honestly when I think back to my time here, I can’t really remember the negatives, and if I do, each one always comes with a caveat. And while I struggle with what I will give back, no matter what, I will have been given so much more.

By Quinn